Attitude

I'm afraid I have to confess to having what is called a "bad attitude" lately. All my life I have been afflicted with what some call idealism, and others perfectionism, and which at its best is healthy conscientiousness, but at its worst....

I have been grumbling a lot about work. Why is it that when things don't go the way I think they should, I feel so tempted to jump ship, even though the reason I even have such ideas is that I care so deeply about the people I support?

Do I give up too quickly? I balk at the idea of doing the long hard work of being an agent of change. Part of the longness and hardness of it being that if you want your criticism listened to, it's got to be constructive, and presented very carefully, and through all the appropriate channels. I find myself so tempted to abdicate and shake the dust off my heels, but am prevented from it by the thought of the people who are getting the raw deal I'm so conscious of.

Does being aware of a problem make you responsible to do something about it?

I have been dismissed in my concerns before for being the only voice on something because others around me either didn't notice or care. For some reason I am not content to just continue doing what I think is best, while letting everything else around me go the way it should chance to go. I tell myself that that is what a saint would do: take responsibility for the task at their own hand, and pray for everyone and everything else (and themselves). Only sometimes am I able to do this.

Is it just pride?

When I think about it I realize how much I make myself sound like a lone voice in the wilderness, some kind of martyr for my principles.

The level of responsibility I have at work (quality of people's lives are at stake) is bringing some ugly things to the surface of my heart which ask to be addressed, and which I hope, by God's grace, to weed out some day. All the faults I find around me cloud my perception after a time and dominate my whole experience untill all I feel is frustration, anxiety, and anger towards work.

And then I went into work today for the first time after an eight day break, and saw that some things had been changed. Things which I had despaired of being able to change. I'm clearly not the only one who cares. And I was reminded too, of all of the things that are so good about the people I work with, and that the organization is on an upward swing (however gradual).

It is likely I will change my occupation in the near future, whether to go back to school or find something closer to home. But I want it to be because it is time (kairos) for the next step, and not because I have quit in bitterness. And I want to do the best that I can realistically do while I'm here, in humility, with gentleness, and most of all hope and faith.

Pray for me, a sinner!