the in be tween

This ascension I have been unaccountably filled with thoughts about the spiritual father I lost this year. My Bishop reminded me that I have not lost Papa John, that Papa John's proximity to God makes him more close to me, more available to me in prayer, than he was while still alive with us. This has been so difficult to accept when the blessing of his immediate presence is still so real in my memory, more real, though in my memory, than my faith in his presence with us through Christ. I imagine some of my feelings must be like what some of the disciples experienced: I have so many questions I still hadn't had a chance to ask! Who else can I tell this to, who will understand and know exactly what to say? It doesn't feel the same without him here. How will I continue to grow, to change, to be healed, without seeing his face, feeling his love, exeriencing his embrace?

In a recent sermon one of our priests described the two icons on either side of the royal doors as the Icon of Christ's First Coming (Theotokos/Incarnation) and the Icon of Christ's Second Coming (Christ Pantocrator). We enter into worship between those two realities: at the altar where we celebrate Christ's mystical presence with us now, in the Holy Eucharist.

Perhaps if I keep alive my longing, keep receiving Communion, keep waiting for the Lord (more than the watchmen wait for the morning)...perhaps then I will begin to understand.

All this puts the coming of the Holy Spirit in a fresh light for me, and I understand in a new way why He is called the Comforter.